How to Speak (and BE) Like A Minnesotan Kansan

I'm compiling a list of all the words and daily life activities that are different so that when, and if, you visit, you won't be caught off guard when someone says the following to you and/or so that you can learn the lingo and mannerisms so you'll fit right in...that is, if you want to:

#1 I suppose I've already mentioned Arkansas. As in, the Arkansas River. Not to be confused with the state I don't think, because, believe it or not, despite the fact they are spelled the same, by God, they are not pronounced the same.  So, if you want to fit in while in Rome  Kansas, say ArKansas River and not Arkansaw, for heaven's sake!

#2 Goats are not does and bucks. I would venture to say the more snooty people call them that, but here in Kansas- where the ArKansas River flows- goats are not deer for heaven's sake, they are billies and nannies!

#3 Despite the fact that we once had a vice president named Dick Cheney -pronounced Ch-A-ney- Cheney, Kansas- spelled just like the vice president!!!- but pronounced ch-ee-ney, with a long "e". Got it? For heaven's sake! Go figure.

#4 The city of gold is El Dorado. Yep, we have one too and ours is a city, not a county (for all you California folk). BUT, don't think for a minute that the city of gold would be pronounced anything like the Spanish would. Oh no, this is Kansas for heaven's sake! Catch yourself before you say El Door-ah-doh and say El Door-aye-doh instead? You can be like a Canadian, right...I mean, aye?

And that concludes the language portion...for now. On to mannerism. The following will for sure get people looking at your license plate if you near your car and if not, will certainly get a raised eyebrow if nothing else.

#1. If you walk out of McDonald's and use your cell phone to take a picture of the little sticker on the door with a small hand gun and a line through it to denote you cannot bring firearms into that eating establishment, people are gonna know you isn't from 'round here!


#2. If you rubber neck at a tractor driving down the highway with a man and and woman sitting on said tractor hauling a trailer full of livestock on Tuesday (from or to the sale barn of course) or Walmart bags on any other day, people are gonna know you isn't from 'round here!

#3. If you go to the feed store and ask them how much their hay is, they gonna know you isn't from 'round here.

#4. If you don't have a church, GET ONE! Sure enough you'll be asked by every neighbor, and passer by and little old lady at the grocery store to join them at theirs. If you decline and not mention attending your regular church (even if you don't!), they gonna know you isn't from 'round here.

I think that concludes today's lesson on how to speak (and be) a Kansan.