Death By Dairy Goat

That's going to be the header of the Hutchinson News after the state fair. The main title reads: "Judge Mauled to Death by Dairy Goat While Handler (Amanda Harmon), Fair Patrons, and Exhibitors Stare in Disbelief"

Think about it. Dairy goats have no upper teeth. They are herbivores and, for the most part, are very sweet natured. -Except for 'Hephzibah', that is, but that's altogether different.- So, it would come across as unbelievable-flat out impossible one would think- to die at the hands hooves lower incisors, of a dairy goat. But, I think I have something on my hands that nears the unthinkable.

Let me back up for a bit. This past year -I keep thinking about the past year- has been one class after another at the school of hard knocks. Just when we think we have it down, Professor You'vegotta'notherthingcoming insists otherwise. Little by -one step forward two falls on the ice later- little, we're making it and piecing it together and figuring it all out. Alone, mind you. I used to think I was a fairly intelligent person. However, Kansas -of all places- has proven me otherwise. Thank you Kansas for putting me in my proverbial- you are really an idiot after all- place.

I can't say I'm grateful, so let's just say I'm devouring my humble pie at a rate any humble pie eater could be proud of. I can't imagine though you want to hear me get up on my soap box about how hard life is here in Kansas. I am pretty sure I made fun of those who couldn't hack the Mid-West and moved their convertible driving <insert profane word substituted for the padded part of ones back side> back to California. Not us, no. We're "true grit", as they would say. Either that or too stupid to tuck tail and run. Regardless, we're still here. It would not be surprising, however, if the straw that broke the camel's goat's back was something like a judge being mauled by our -otherwise- sweet natured girl(s).

Anyway, back to the headlines of the local paper. Rachel and I have been working with the goats getting them ready for the fair. The goat kids never want to lead nicely and so it takes some work dragging them while they choke and scream and convulse teaching them how to act like the good little show goats they are and not some rampaging blood thirsty rabid beasts of burden obnoxious heathens.

The older does lead just fine. They'd prefer to be off doing other things of course but, for the most part, put up with our "horse and pony show" routine. I figure, you know, they lead a pretty good life; the least they can do is behave on the milk stand and stand in a god awful show pose every once in a while to appease me. I truly don't ask for much! Apparently though, FD, has other plans. I do believe she is plotting an attack of epic proportion, kind of like Rambo meets Animal Farm.

I have practiced with her twice now and twice she has tried to maul me while I try to set up her legs. Okay, maybe maul isn't the right word, but she sure is trying to take a hunk outta whatever part of me she can reach. She is so sweet natured -otherwise-. I think it's a cover though. For all these years she has been waiting for her moment to seek revenge for all the terrible things that have gone wrong in her life. I don't know exactly what those things are, but I'm guessing she thinks her life has just been awful for her to behave this way!

I told her yesterday (in a very sing songy irritated voice), despite liking her very much -otherwise-, I was not above selling her, that she is a show goat whether she likes it or not and if she cannot fill that slot like a good little goat, she could be permanently relocated to the goat sausage stuffing plant just as easily as the extra buck kids!

To be honest, I don't think she understood me. I will give her the benefit of the doubt, chock it up to a bad day, and drive on but I will be darned if my name is on the front page of the newspaper the day after the fair for something of that magnitude. Having the only goat in history to maul someone is not something I'd really like to be known for. I am sure you can understand.